How My Own Happiness Project Came About

Up until mid February I had a boss, who put a lot of emphasis on reading books and personal development. When planned his going away party – with funny stories, photographs together and things which we will always remember him by, practically the whole team made jokes about the number of books they got from him during his 7 years with the company. People claimed, they had to buy book shelves to store all of them!

I got quite a few books from Rob too. The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin is one of them. It was sitting on my book shelf for over a year and I never opened it. 

I had started to read a number of books and got into a habit of stopping in the middle and not finishing. Life, wrapped around unhealthy relationship with my husband got in the way. 

All the time. 

It happened to other books – the office where I work used to be just 3 miles away from my place and I would go home for lunch and listen to Focus On The Family on my way home. I’ve heard a lot of interviews with authors of excellent books. I bought quite a number of them. 

They too, are currently sitting on the shelf. But I made it a very prominent shelf. And I plan to read all the books I have on that shelf. I am giving myself one year to completely transform my life. All aspects of it. Including books I plan to read.

Anyway, The Happiness Project happened to be the first in line – the subtitle ‘Or, Why I Spent A Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun’ was so in tune with my plans for my life after my third divorce, that I got curious to see what’s inside. 

No, the author did not go through dramatic/traumatic life change which required restructuring everything familiar like in my case, but her insights are so helpful! 

I was delighted to see that clearing the space around me in my home is the first step I took – just like her. I am not done yet, there’s more to go through, and I will get rid of everything that is of no value any longer so I can create my new environment.

Today I finished reading The Happiness Project and feel very accomplished – I love the feeling of completion, it brings a lot of satisfaction to me. Now I can plan out my own happiness project and tackle creative projects on my YouTube channel and Udemy. 

Wait, an Excel training course for a group of sales managers I will give in mid June 2014 comes first. And I now have mental clarity to do it now – right after I am back from New Orleans after my daughter’s medical school graduation!

Here’s Rob and I after his going away party. He is still my big brother. J

A Tale Of A Servant And A Helper Who Is Just Right For Him

Last Sunday in church I heard an incredible sermon on 'Hope For Broken Families'. I never heard a story of creation of human beings with such rich background and presented at that particular angle.

Genesis 2:27

They both - male and female reflected God's image - two different sets of God's character traits. 

She is a help mate – like in ‘God is my help’ not a servant, but it is the same word as in verses describing God as our help. They were both naked and they were not ashamed, because there was no sin in their lives, so there was no shame, as there was nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to cover up.

           

Then serpent appears and asks ‘did God really say that…?’ She eats of the fruit and gives the fruit to the man.

THE CURSE follows: 

She will want to control him 

but he will rule over her. 

Genesis 3:16 (living translation)

Ever since it's a default - there is no harmony, there is a war. 

Christ has broken the curse. There is a choice to live in spite of default. Here's how:

Ephesians 5:25-33

– the woman is to submit, the man is to serve. 

That is a choice possible  because Christ provided the way out. 

It is easy to submit to a man who is giving himself up for her every day. 

Forget fragile ego. 

Expectation of her submission is warranted by him being a servant, nothing else. 

However, it only works if both are intentional. 

All the time. 

Otherwise - default to the curse - she wants to control, but he rules.

I know, stuff needs to be done and if he is slacking off, she has to pick up that slack. Or 'encourage' to get on with it already... I have been there - three (3) times. It is a nightmare, yep, the curse. 

My friend could not hold tears back and did not stay for prayer - she just said 'when a man is passive, a controlling woman is bound to happen' - and left. I agree, the curse is there, the freedom to live above the curse is available. BUT, it is work, it is intentional - for both man and wife. 

I came home still in awe of what I heard and grasped a hold of. Wrote it down and kept thinking...

So every time the man behaves as servant toward you, make sure to thank and encourage that behavior, because that is exactly what you want him to act like toward you, so your relationship is a happy one - closer to harmony than the curse. 

You support, encourage, inspire. NO nagging. 

It's not easy, but doable together - can't be done by a woman only - I tried. It fails by design.

P.S. I have gotten a book on how to cultivate cooperation in relationships - another step in my Happiness Project.

Fail Up vs Fail Down

Looking back now, I clearly see that my third marriage was destined to be a failure.
I was madly in love and refused to see red flags, which were plenty.

However, if I think about it - I was still recovering from the shock of the reality, that one of the people I worked with at the time, led me to believe that he was interested in my romantically - he did that for quite some time.

Yet when we were together and alone, it was just like two friends were hanging out. There was gossip about work, which did not interest me at all. There was talk about my children and his son. And there were vague plans of vacations together. All of that to only finally realize, that all he ever wanted is for me to do his work for him...

To get that mess out of my head, I went to ballroom dancing school. I love ballroom dancing - took a whole season (9 months, I believe) when I was in high school. My mother wanted me to learn how to move gracefully - I am tall and have a wide frame, so I really needed the skill.

Anyway, my affair with ballroom dancing lasted about seven months, by the end of it I kept telling myself 'well, to actually dance at Friday night dance parties at the studio (because that's what I paid money for) I had to be really quick to get up and ask one of the men for a dance, otherwise other women would be dancing and I would be sitting enjoying the view'.

Don't get me wrong, the entertaining value is there, but I wanted to dance, not just watch other people dance when I started taking classes and going to Friday night parties back in the fall of 2009. I did not particularly like any of the men there, AND I had to compete with other women to have a chance to dance with them. It just stopped making any sense to me.

Right about that time I met my third ex. He is 7' tall and was very interested in me. Only me.

So back to my post title. After seven months of dating and acting regularly the way we regretted later, and numerous discussions and resolutions to just 'stop it', we realized that we either need to break up or get married.

We got married. Despite my daughter's strong opposition, I did it - I said 'yes' and became a married woman again.

I know now that I made a mistake back then.

I could have chosen to break up, the more so that four days before the proposal when I returned home from an 11 days long trip together across America I thought without any drama in my heart and head 'this is a perfect time to break up - we have not hurt each other yet'.

I corrected that mistake 3 years later - I kicked him out. Then after divorce was final and he was able to fulfill the judge's orders in the divorce decree, a long process of removing his belongings from my place followed. ...With some friendliness, then with some passion.

Before I knew it, we were back at it doing the same thing we did while dating in 2010... There was no discussion and there were no resolutions to stop it. Then on April 12 he said that he wants to just be friends (not 'friends with benefits') - like we don't know that we can't do it.

The moment he said that, I subconsciously realized that it was the same choice - to get married or break up. I made the right choice this time around. I know I failed on December 3, 2010 - however, I FAILED UP.

I did not do the same stupid thing, I walked away. I got to keep my freedom this time around.

P.S. I know the book 'Fail Up' is about successful career based on learning on one's mistakes (failing up), but I strongly believe the principle applies to life in general too.