How Do You Empty Yourself Of You?

John 8:32 New International Version (NIV)
32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Those words most definitely also imply the truth about what's in your behavior is sinful, so you can obtain freedom from it. One ugly behavior pattern at a time...

If I asked anyone if they on Facebook or not, it would be an almost ridiculous question – who isn’t on Facebook nowadays?  This is to say, that if you are on Facebook, then you most definitely are familiar with all the fancy ways one can avoid seeing what other people are posting, or being found on Facebook at all for that matter.

Yes, I am talking about blocking people.

Facebook is not the only social network that provides this option, practically all of them do. How I know? Well, I was blocked everywhere I could be blocked – on English sites and Russian sites about a year ago by someone who did not want anything to do with me from that point forward.

That’s how I know.

Of course, there are other people who still can see what that person is posting, who are actually friends with me, and not just on Facebook, in real life too. The intentions are good when they share with me what they see on that person’s timeline (the one who has blocked me everywhere).

I am not opposed to it, and completely understand the sentiment. I have to admit though, that it is painful, but obviously, is necessary, as either some more healing needs to happen in my heart or God just wants me to see His glory once again. I am all for that – I enjoy that very much!

My son told me some time last fall ‘Stop concerning yourself with that person’s life’, but that was before I understood that person’s true motivation for being cruel, vicious and venomous with me, and I really tried to figure that out.

In addition, one of my reasons for seeking a relationship with that person back in spring 2014 was the fact that they are a very young Christian, and I was excited and curious to watch them grow in the knowledge and acceptance of God’s ways. I still am, actually interested in that, if I am honest with myself, painful as it is to be on the receiving end of ungodly behavior in the process (I am not saying that I always behave in God pleasing manner).

Well, God has provided me with a window into what’s going on with that person, ironically, about a month after I finally felt free from pain and emotional attachment to that person. I could not believe that happened a year to the day from the time that person had met their current spouse, but I was glad to see that help was being sought from God, rather than people, in circumstances which I knew would happen.
Yep, marital conflict, that’s what is happening to them. It happens to everyone, it is what each of us chooses to do with it, that’s what matters.

If you are curious, I can tell you that because I have an account with Bible Gateway app, so I get notifications from it about my friends’ activity on the app – well, those who befriended me there, that is. It is the only site that apparently does not have ‘un-friend’ and ‘block’ options (believe me, I tried to find them there) – no wonder though, as God, and His word (the Bible) are all about reconciliation, and not separation of people!!!

If you ever read the Bible, you would know, that at first as you read things like in the image at the top, the tendency is to apply it to someone else’s behavior, and not your own. Been there, done that. However, the more mature we are as followers of Christ, the clearer it is that we are the ones to whom this applies, not other people in our lives. (Yes, this is one of the images from email notifications I got from Bible Gateway app about what my friends do in the app).

Here’s where it becomes relevant to me.

On July 17 I listened to a sermon in my church titled ‘Let The Games Begin’ and later posted some screen shots of the video recording on FB.

It took about 3.5 weeks when the situation for me to act upon what I’ve heard in that sermon presented itself. My friend sent me a text and I decided to give ‘politically correct’ answer instead of saying it like it is (read ‘danced around the bush). She insisted I don’t do that. So I expressed myself clearly right away, but she decided to re-iterate what she said by paraphrasing it. And then again. The images below show the whole conversation.

The punch line is – what you see in the red frame is my knee jerk reaction in similar situations no matter who I talk to. Like my former friend said once – I am the common denominator in those type of situations.

Clearly, this is my hang up. Clearly, that is something other people do, that irritates me, and it is a cue of what needs to change in me. 

I know that the only thing that I control is my response to someone else’s behavior; I don’t have control over other people’s behavior. No one does. They try to manipulate, but it’s all it is – manipulation, not treating others with patience and kindness.

And that is how what I’ve heard in the sermon translates into a change in me. 

I am the one who needs to deal with ‘little girl Larissa’ issues and simply catch myself from reacting in the way I’ve learned about 40 years ago when I first realized, that I am definitely not stupid (to put it mildly).

So the verse from Proverbs 12:16 in the image at the top is definitely about that kind of self-awareness:

We ARE all in control of OUR feelings and actions, and it is foolish to not exercise that God given control.

Once again this morning, when I saw this image arrive into my inbox, I was in awe of God’s glory and how creative He is in delivering ‘get rid of that junk, Larissa’ messages to me. No doubt, there is hope for all of us, if we just listen to God’s messages intensely enough and then simply obey them.

How Do YOU Want To Be Treated?

Luke 6:31 New International Version (NIV)

³¹ Do to others as you would have them do to you.

This week I find myself on the other side of the valley of death. That same valley in which our God is definitely with us. If we believe what’s written in His word that is. Looking back I can confidently say, it is true, I can see His hand all over the events of my last 13 months which have been extremely stressful.

It all started on the day which was one of the happiest days of my life, as I found out on that day that my daughter’s life will be exactly what she worked hard for since age 6. Even good stress is still stress, by definition, but that day ended with a bad altercation and deep disappointment when I hit my head on pure selfishness of a person who was very close to me.

We sorted it out the day later (or so it seemed) and life went on, communication was pleasant, although being on the opposite sides of extrovert-introvert spectrum, people are bound to overwhelm one another.

A couple of months passed by and then an unexpected and ugly breakup happened. I don’t think I was ever shut down quite like that in my life ever before, not in my adult life, for sure.

Uncertainty of how company restructuring will pan out for me was added to that stress, and lasted a good while. It all depends on a perspective though, because in the big scheme of things 10 weeks is a very short period of time. But not while you are waiting for answers, NOPE.

Well, I got exactly the answers I wanted regarding situation at work, which is a good kind of stress, of course. And transition from one role to another with simultaneous training of my replacement happened. Like in ‘I was training my replacement by day and doing my work by night’.

I don’t think I was ever as tired by the end of my transition, 10 more weeks later. Not even when I was much younger raising my two children completely and utterly alone, working my job by day and doing gigs by night. Those were the times when my friend had to hold me by hand and walk me across the street, because letting me do it by myself was dangerous – that’s how tired and disoriented I was.

But this time, 23 years later I was in much worse shape. In addition to physical exhaustion I could not let the memories of the break up go, as much as I wanted to, because as I realize now, I simply needed to understand why it was so cruel, vicious and venomous. What was it in my behavior in that relationship that warranted it? I certainly did not see the reason. My peace was not complete without much needed clarity in this matter.

Needless to say, I was really looking forward to this season of my life to end, hopefully by the end of 12 months. Amazingly, God came through and showed me, that I was simply a constant reminder of guilt the other person had in their life. That’s it, simply saying the truth caused me so much pain. But that is alright, because I know that I am supposed to do what God wants me to do in every situation. In the case of that relationship He just wanted me to be His messenger with a message of truth. God is awesome!

Now that I understood the reasons for someone else’s behavior, I needed to figure out why I took yet another chance to tell the truth – in particular, to warn another person, that they were about to move into a very emotionally charged relationship, with practically a guarantee that they will be on the receiving end of that same fury and viciousness as soon as their opinions differ, because unresolved guilt always causes misplaced anger.

It took me some time last Monday afternoon, but the answer is absolutely crystal clear for me: if I were about to get myself into a dangerous relationship, most definitely I would want someone, preferably a person who has credibility with me, who knows my partner well, like a family member or a very close friend, to give me a very graphic picture of how that relationship would look like for me, because my partner treats all people like that, including those he/she loves dearly.

Hence the title for this post – I would want to be treated like that – I would want to hear honest truth, I would want someone to care enough about me, to warn me that I am about to step off the cliff.

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

So I did – I want people to tell me the truth, and I will start first – I will tell the truth even if it is a very painful one. Now they can make an educated decision to step off that cliff or not, now they do have choice, because they have been informed that the choice is available.

Do You Really Want THE JOB?

I had a conversation with a 72 year old lady who I frequently work out with at my YMCA that went like this:

She: Do you get lonely?

LARISSA: No, not really.

She: I date. I want to find a man whom I can marry.

LARISSA: Do you really want the job?

She: (silence with a blank stare)

LARISSA: You understand it’s a job, right?

She: I don’t mind cooking every now and then. But I like to eat out. (with a smirk in her eye) - I am a night partner, you know what I mean, right?

LARISSA: Do you realize that the purpose of marriage is not to get pleasure but to serve the other? That’s what it was designed for.

She: If he is a nice person and is considerate, I don’t mind serving.

LARISSA: You are missing the point. There are no ‘ifs’. It does not matter if they follow through with the commitment to serve you. You are going into a marriage to serve the other. Period.

She: I can do laundry, I don’t mind cleaning occasionally...

LARISSA: Do you know that women in general live longer than men?

She: Oh really?

LARISSA: Which means, the older we are, the less men of the right age are available. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being a nurse to someone?

She: I want to meet someone who is kind, considerate, friendly, and rich.

LARISSA: Men like that are already taken. Only those who don’t want to take care of themselves are out there. That is exactly the reason they are still available.

She: I was dating this guy. We used to talk on the phone a lot. One day during our conversation on the phone I told him that I don’t have any money. He hang up on me.

LARISSA: Yep.

She: I still want to find a nice man to date. Wait a second, (as she glanced at the TV screen) - here’s something horrible on the news!

So, she proceeded watching the news and I could not help but think: Is it any wonder that young girls dream about something that marriagewas never designed to give them, when a mature 72 year old is still thinking about marriage in terms of ‘prince charming and happily ever after’?

Surely, there is nothing wrong with teaching our girls tolook for love in a relationship with a man. But what really the word ‘love’ means in this context? What does it look like?

Don’t get me wrong, it took me a lot of years, three failed marriages, and conclusion that I am simply not a wife material before I actually decided to find out what is it that marriage is for.

You might not know this about me, but I am a Christian, I believe in God the Father who created me for His glory and Who has designed a marriage relationship. He knows exactly what the purpose of that relationship is.

He is the one who has shown me through a very talented pastor what love which we all search for looks like, as it relates to choosing a person to date and to eventually marry, so that children might be born into that relationship and be raised in love.

How I wish that I knew about marriage at 20 what I know now! 

I am neither regretful nor desperate. 

I have a strong desire in my heart to teach young girls who are around 10-11 years old, may be, what exactly they need to be looking for in every single young man, as they grow into young ladies who’s heads are filled with dreams about their future.

For now though, I will share with you about how love looks like, what became a revelation for me very recently, and hope it will speak to your heart as much as it did to mine.

The most unexpected fact about the passage below is the first way love manifests itself. When I first saw it – I mean really understood what those lines mean, I was completely blown away. I’ve underlined it for emphasis.

Here it is:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7New International Version (NIV)

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I am not sure if you are familiar with this passage of scripture at all, but 3 verses right before the passage above say this (my loose translation): None of our accomplishments matter, if we do not love like that. That’s God’s opinion – as the Holy Scripture is His words.

That statement is so heavy…

I tried to read verses 4-7 from 1 Corinthians 13 replacing ‘love’ with ‘if you are’ and inverting positive statement into negative and vice versa – the conclusion at the end of the passage was shocking – ‘then you don’t love’.

Makes me wonder, what exactly people who marry for love mean when they say to one another ‘I love you’… 

Well, I was one of those people – 3 times, so I am definitely not pointing fingers here...